Angels shall burn
by Elodia9000
Summary: Maybe you think that I was stupid because I was hurting myself. You may think I had a good life with a pretty boy by my side telling me how beautiful I was every single day. But believe me: It's not what it seemed like. - Just M-rated because of possible suicide. But it's not set yet.
1. Not what it seems like

**Just something that came into my mind a while ago.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Mortal Instruments.**

Chapter 1

I walked down the hallways until I reached Jaces room.  
I came over more often since he learned how to control the heavenly fire.

I knew that he loved me but was it enough?

I knocked at the door.

„Come in" Jace said and I walked in.

He was laying on the bed doing nothing. He smiled as he saw me walking in but didn't move.  
„Hey" I said softly and said on the edge of the bed. I didn't look him in the eyes. I couldn't. If he knew what I've been doing the last months...

He grabbed my arm.

„Clary?" he asked. I felt my sweatshirt chafing the scars on my arm.

„Are you alright, my love?" he eyed me worriedly.

„Of course!" I replied and tried to smile. If he knew what I've been doing he would leave me, for sure.

I finally looked at him. He was uncertain. He knew that I was lying. But I couldn't tell him.

You have to know one thing about me before I start telling my story: Those scars weren't from a stele. No, they were self-inflicted.

I had to make him think about something else, so I climbed on his lap and kissed him.

Maybe you think that I was stupid because I was hurting myself. You may think I had a good life with a pretty boy by my side telling me how beautiful I was every single day.

But believe me: It's not what it seemed like.

Jace pushed me down on the bed, never breaking the kiss we shared. His hands were everywhere. I had to stop him soon. So I broke the kiss.

„Jace, stop" I said. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was disappointed.

„Why?" he asked, suddenly sitting up.

„What do you mean?" I asked and sat up too. I knew exactly what he meant. I was wondering when he would finally asked me. Since I started cutting I stopped him every time we were kissing. We hardly ever made out anymore. He was going to leave me soon.

I was certain.

„Is it because of me? Am I doing something wrong?" he almost shouted at me.  
„Jace.." I whispered. He never raised his voice at me. He looked furious. I was _scared._

„Just tell me!" he grabbed my shoulders, shaking me. I looked at him with wide eyes. „Jace, stop... you.. you're hurting me" I stuttered, afraid to say something that would anger him even more. His hands were heating up. He was going to burn me, but I couldn't care less. I deserved it anyway.

I felt tears sting in my eyes. I deserved this because of all the pain I caused him and everyone else.

He suddenly stopped, still holding my shoulders in an iron grip. I looked into his eyes as he let go of them completely.

I was shaking. His eyes were wide with the realisation what he had done.

„Clary..." he started and raised his hand but placed it next to him again as I flinched away.

There was a huge silence between us. I felt tears running down my cheek and Jaces gaze on me, afraid to scare me again if he touched me.

I deserved this.

**Should I continue with this? Tell me what you think and maybe leave some ideas how to continue! :)**


	2. The reason I let him stay

**Hey, here is the next chapter! I just wanted to thank those who supported this story so far! It's nice to know that people actually like it. :)**

**Maybe I made some grammar mistakes. Feel free to correct me. :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Mortal Instruments.**

Chapter 2

It burned but it didn't matter. I've hurt them more than I was hurting myself.

It was never enough.

I looked into the mirror and regarded my reflexion closely. It didn't change. The same green eyes. The same freckles. The same red hair. Maybe a little paler than usually.

My eyes lost their shine, thought. And my hair wasn't as curly and lively as it was before. It was dull and the strains hung down lifelessly. Maybe I was dying?

But I couldn't die. It would bring them more pain. I wasn't going to die. I was hurting myself as a reparation of their pain.

I turned my attention back to my bleeding arm. Maybe one more cut?

I looked at the clock: 12:30.

Jace was picking me up in 30 minutes. There wasn't time for another cut anymore. I needed to take care of the wound and hide it so he wouldn't see what I've done.

It would cause him even more pain if he knew. Why wasn't I capable of doing something without hurting the people I love?

I felt a tear making its way down my cheek and wiped it away quickly. I didn't deserve to cry. I wasn't worth it. I wasn't even worth it to die.

You don't know much about me. You just know that I was a girl who was hurting herself for reasons I bet you don't understood. You may think that I was stupid. I was, to be honest. But I didn't saw another way out. I thought that hurting myself was the only method to ease the pain of my beloved.

Just like I said: stupid.

I heard the doorbell ringing just as I exited the bathroom after my daily routine. I wore a long-sleeved sweatshirt. It was easy to hide my scars in winter.

I opened the door to reveal Jace. His hair was covered in snowflakes and his cheeks were rosy from the cold wind.

„Hi" he breathed and smiled down at me. I opened the door further to let him in.

„Hi to you too" I replied and forced a smile. I could have sworn I saw his eyes darken for a second. Maybe he thought of last night? I had left as quickly as I could after I stopped crying. I was angry at myself. I made Jace unhappy again. Why couldn't I do anything right?

Maybe you think that I had to have done something right because I had such a nice boyfriend. Believe me. You're dead wrong. I thought that it was just our blood that made Jace stay by my side.

We went up to my room. Jace went straight up to my bed and sat down.

„Sooo. How are you?" I asked as I sat down beside him, carefully letting some space between us.  
I wanted to touch him but I couldn't. That was a punishment for the missed cut this morning.

There was an awkward silent between us until Jace spoke.

„Why are you asking me that? After all I've done to you, you're asking me how I'm feeling?!" he said angrily.

„J-Jace..." I stuttered, my eyes wide. He was going to scream at me again. I was so sure but he proved me wrong. Suddenly I was in his arms.

„I'm so sorry" Jace whispered. „Clary. I love you. I never wanted to scream at you. I'm so sorry."

„Jace" I said quietly.

I didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve his apologize at all! He should have been angry at me! Should have yelled at me! He should have left me for someone he deserved more! But he didn't.

You don't know how hard it is to be with someone you think you aren't worthy for. Or maybe you do? For those who don't: It's the most painful thing that can happen to you. It's more painful than cutting yourself. That was the reason I let him stay.

**I hope you liked it! :) If you don't feel free to tell me! If this chapter sucks I can rewrite it. That's no problem. :D And it also would be nice if you give me some inspiration for the next chapter(s)! :)**


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